You know...i promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore... and i made it for like....two weeks....one and a half...something like that...without crying anymore...and then tonite...i had to go and cry again.......DANG IT...i HATE that....do you have any idea how much i DESPISE CRYING?! Especially over this........

I just had some stuff hit me...

And I suppose i need to say goodbye for REAL...but i almost don't want to... i'm not totally sure why... part of it is because i think i will start crying again.....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..... i really don't want to drive over there...because i will leave weak...and i don't want to drive like that...all emotional and crying and attempting to focus through tears to see the road....prolly not a good idea......and hes not coming here....so i suppose i won't get a goodbye...and neither will he....

Starting Over



Fresh slate
rewind the last year
maybe meet you again
maybe i don't want to
maybe approach you differently
maybe you will approach me differently
maybe we have matured more
maybe we undestand how to communicate better
maybe we get to know eachother for real this time
maybe we get along because of all this

maybe my life is different than it is now
because of rewinding
and having it to do over
and maybe we are still together
and maybe you have picked me to love this time around
and maybe you let me know you this time
and maybe we are doing alright
not a "perfect" - alright
but a Godly - example - of - a - relationship - "alright"

and maybe we didn't mess things up this time

and maybe we have seen too much to go back to the beginning
and say "hello, its nice to meet you"
and shake hands
and wonder what the other person is like

maybe thats not possible
because we have seen it all
we know
or think we know because of what we experienced
...i have been told thats not possible
and i know its not realistic
but the mustard seed of faith in me
wants to believe its a possibility
if only to protect the investment

but you have your image of me
and i have my image of you
and oh boy,
how those long lasting impressions are hard to destroy

and maybe it would never work again
but who am i to say for SURE
and write the answer in blood
...?

you've hurt me
maybe i've hurt you
i don't want to let you hurt me anymore
and thinking about you -
maybe that is allowing you to hurt me some more

Rewind
for a year
stop
play
with a different plot
...
with a different ending
please

maybe its impossible
but in my head
its not so impossible

don't want to change you
only you can change yourself

stupid to try to be with someone
who you think you have to
change to be with
and i know this

thats why im asking
for me to wake up tomorrow
and for it to be may 29th, 2002
reading your email


and maybe no one would need to change to make someone happy
because everything would be different.....

well well well...where do i begin....i suppose i will start from now and work my way backards...yes, backards..... last night, i went out with my girls, Renne and Yvonne...we we hot stuff, lemme tell ya....although yvonne was the only one who took pics...but i'm getting ahead of myself... so first of all...we drove over to aunt linda and uncle frank's to drop my ex bf's stuff off...thankfully, he wasn't there...no run ins.... and then we went to target....lol...and renee learned the difference between WANT and NEED... this is Renee: "I NEEEED this chair!" "I NEEEED one of these bottleopeners!" "I NEEEEED this blanket!" lol....and then shes like "What am i saying?!?!?" and yvonnes like "Do you think the starving children in Ethiopia are saying they NEED a bottleopener?!" And Renees like, "I'll send them my leftovers" or something like that.... and then yvonne saw this wall hanging thing that holds a ton of pairs of shoes and shes all "I NEEEED this!" and renees like "you don't nnnnnnneeed it" and yvonnes like "yes i do...to hold all of my shoes!" and renees like "if you didn't have so many shoes then you wouldn't NEEEED it" and so yvonne proceeds to take off her flip flops and is like "here, i'll send these to the kids in ethiopia" it was dang funny............... and then ......

we met up with kyla (nae's sis), jamie, and jermey for appitizer deals at tgi fridays...oh boy...that was fun.... we changed tables like three times...i still maintain we broke the fire code.....

then we went back to nae's...and hung out....lauged a LOT.... and got very philosophical as mostly renne and i discussed religion, spirituality, regrets, boyfriend issues, Christianity, theology.....lol...but that was as we were going to sleep...so i back up now.... so... hm... renee spilled something...and then i run over to try to help..and I kick something else over...lol...oh man...i fell off the bed at one point...lol...not quite sure how that happened..... yvonne almost threw up...literally...um...i don't like strawberry pop...hehe..... i hit my head a lot in their bathroom...lbecause renee lives in the "attic"...actually its a finished attic, kinda like a finished basement.....so...her room/floor is on a slant...and where the bathroom is, it is at the end where it slants the most...lol...and earlier i was going to weigh myself on renee's scale...but every time i stepped on it it would either say "error" or "888" ...lol...i'm so fat i broke it! JKKKKKKKKKKKKK JK JK JK JK....... oh well.... i didn't really want to know how much i weighed anyway! so ne way.... sometimes we were too cold, and other times we were too hot....yvonne started sweating....lol.....it was so fun...we are some silly girls..

...and when we all got ready to go to bed and turned out the lights, all three of us decided to sleep in renee's little ...what would that be....queen bed? made for two people anyway...lol...so i was crammed in the middle......hehe........and for those of you who don't know, yvonne has this thing about being touched....like...she has this little bubble that she doesn't like people to invade...and not only was her "bubble" being invaded, we were literally overlapping onto one another...lol.....like laying on eachother trying to have a place to lay down.....so yvonnes like "hey guys! this is good for me to work on my bubble issues" lol....and so that spirilaed us off onto some more disussions and i got all sociology/psychology teacher on them....lol......and yvonnes like "you're very philosophical for it being 3 in the morning".....lol.....so we discussed sociology/psychology issues and why yvonne might be that way...and then stuff about nae...and then stuff about me,....lol...very analytical....i like stuff like that......

and me and renee were more of the hyper ones...because when we layed down i'm like "goodnite girls!" and renees like "nooooo, we're not going to sleep yet, we are going to talk" so i'm all "ok"...lol...and yvonne didn't say a ton....so renee was laying on her back and shes like "lets all lay on our backs" which i think i was at that point....lol....and then we talked for awhile and renne flipped onto her stomach and shes like "lets all lay on our stomachs" and i'm like "ok" and flip onto my stomach...oh boy....we were kinda weird......and we finally went to sleep somewhere in the 3 o clock hour i think...and at some pt, yvonne got off the bed and layed on the floor so i scooted over....and then later renee got up.....and so yvonne got back in bed....lol....

ne who
i'm trying to think of what else i needed to type and tell you all about! um...i survived the trip to aunt linda and uncle franks 100%.....um

zach, molly, and some other people and i hung out at zach's and played this game called "moods"........lol......highlight of the night? zach having to say "i look excellent in hotpants" in a manly voice....hehe....lmbo

mom and dad brought back "the five love languages" from branson for me...how sweet was that? this is what they wrote in the front....
"Given with all our love
Aug 2003=On our Branson Honeymoon
Dad & Mom"

that just made me feel so loved....

i have read a lot of it already and it rocks....everyone should read it...it would benifit each and every person....did you know the languages of love different people speak are Quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, physical touch ? yep....and you can have more than one love language.....but the key is learning your significant other's love language so you can express to them love that they will undertstand...how cool is that....

these are a couple of my favorite quotes so far:

"Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving." (that bold part spoke to me the most and just really hit home for me...how comforting thats the thing i've been trying to pinpoint, but never could put it into words...hot dang...thats exactly it)

"...children who grow up with an underdeveloped sense of emotional love can also come to feel loved and to communicate love, but they will have to work at it more dilligently than those who grew up in a healthy, loving atmosphere."

hm....i will be seeing hanson in like...a week and a half...woo hooo.....9 hour drive is gonna blow......oh well....

I have been listening recently quite a bit to 88.5 and 92.3 (christian stations)...and sometimes...they play really crappy music.....but sometimes...they have really good stuff on......and sometimes they have really good talk things...i like them! (i'm listening to it right now and this song "arise" is on and it totally reminds me of my childhood because at the church i was raised there was this trio that used to do that song for a special quite a bit and it was always a big wonderful song...they were really talented...wow :) ).......ne way........ I heard this song by caedmons call called "only hope"...really good song....i don't like all caedmons call stuff...but this is a good one....and then i have heard some ffh and some tin shekel shirt that i liked..... wow....and there is this cool song by steven curtis chapman talking about his wife...and how he loves her so much and thanking God for her.... and asking God to show him more clearly how to love her as God would have him to....how cool is that?!

Its kinda bizarre because two or three times when i've turned one of the radio stations on i've heard stuff about God's mercy and His grace....and its like I'm supposed to be hearing stuff specifically about this..... and how as a child of God we are blessed with his grace....which is giving us things we don't deserve as mere sinful creatures....and how we recive God's mercy....which is God NOT giving us a punishment that we DO deserve as lowly sinful humans.......isn't that cool stuff.....?

pray for me on the school issue.........
ne one need anything? let me know!