Yesterday, mom and I did some wedding errands. While we were in Fun Services, I made a trip to the ladies room, and lo and behold found the best thing EVER taped to the stall wall. Thanks to my mother's determination and lack of dignity, I am able to give you....
THE I DO DICTIONARY
Wedding-planning situations frequently defy description. That's why bridezilla was coined, to represent a woman on a monstrous nuptial-planning rampage...and why MB decided it's time for some fresher terms.
by Rory Evans
altared state, n. Very common momentary affliction experienced in church vestibules and temple antechambers, marked by shortness of breath, a swarm of stomach butterflies, harried happiness and out-of-body floatiness, all due to disbelief that the big moment has finally arrived.
biancè, n. A fiancè who acts "crazy in love" and, in a concerted effort to mitigate your wedding-planning stress, surprises you with a small or large thoughtful gesture, such as getting you a spa-day gift certifificate or insisiting that he address all the invitations himself.
bridebrain, n. Momentary confustion about which vendor you're talking to on the phone.
fair-weather fiend, n. A bride who obsessively and unabashadly cross-references the National Hurrican Center reports, Doppler 4000 readouts, AccuWeather Web sites and the Farmer's Almanac to check the weather on her wedding date. Summer 2006 wedding? Never too early to start checking.) As the date draws near, weather.com becomes her default homepage.
flower girl variable, n. The unknown factor- influenced by many different external forces- that affections the flower girl's ability to wear her dress, behave as she walks down the aisle, actually make it to the altar, agree to sit still for the photographer and, despite what her mother may believe, recognize that the day is not all about her.
fudget, n. The entire list of expenses for all aspects of your wedding - with the price of each entry rounded wy down so it is, in fact, much less than you actually paid. You consult this list whenever you want to believe that you haven't spent too much money.
honeymood, n. The cheerful demeanor you take on when envisioning the two-week beachside vaction (involving little more than reapplying sunscreen, turning pages of your book, eating and having sex) you're taking after the wedding, the mere thought of which can help you recover from your darkest moments.
loot-bag looting, v. The act of "borrowing" small boxes of the artisinal chocolates in your already-assembled and ribbon-bedecked goodie bags the morning before the wedding- because you are so craving chocolate and have been depriving yourself of carbohydrates for upwards of six weeks.
mad of honor, adj. What your maid of honor becomes after you've (apparantly) asked her to do one too many things.
matri-money, n. The twenties, fifties, hundreds and personal checks that go toward your multitude of wedding-related expenses, and which disappear from your wallet exponentially more quickly than regular money.
nupdate, n. The 90-second abbreviated version of what's going on with your wedding plans. you know not to bore non-engaged friends with long-winded reenactments of your conversation with the florist about the difference between viburnum and bells of Ireland. (Your friends who are also engaged, however, will happily share your nup-to -the-minute news.)
power tulle, n. The dozens of yards of off-white fine mesh that form a veil, a petticoat or a train, and have the ability to transform you into a beautiful, blushing bride (even if it's just when you're wearing a veil, tank top and ratty jeans).
registry trigger-happy, adj. The relaxed, you-only-get-married-once emotion that overtakes you as you stroll through the aisles at Target or Crate & Barrel aiming the SKU scanner at practically everything in the store and clicking it all onto your wish list (thus explaining the $750 ride-on lawn mower that, seeing as you have no lawn, you truly don't need).
RSVProd, RSVPoke, RSVPlead, v. The various degrees of graceful hint-dropping, more aggressive blind-carbon-copy e-mailing and wits-end phone-calling you engage in as your try to get your friends to send back their response cards. Like there isnt' a mailbox in their neighborhood?)
smother of the bride, n. The woman who carried you for 40 uncomfortable weeks, gave birth to you, raise you with love, and now, in return, wants to maintain Nextel-style constant contact with you as you plan the wedding (which, okay, she is helping to pay for).
splurget, n. The large, scary number that countless trips to the matri-money machine and faithful accounting has made of your budget. (See also matri-money; see antonym, fudget.)
wedhead, n. Mental affliction characterized by constant worry about your wedding, and stress dreams in which you lose all your teeth on the way to the ceremony. (See also bridebrain.)
world wide wed, n. High-speed computer-accessed shopping that reassures you with every click and drag that no matter how small or odd or unusual, any wedding-related object can be tracked down and purchased (in bulk, no less, and tax-free and shipped overnight).
yeah...pretty much my favorite. I totally relate to about 95% of these. :) Even Andrew could related to o ne or two of them. :)