I think a lot of the reason that I dread and dislike all the wedding planning so much and that even at the thought of any of it, I cringe due to a few reasons. Tonight, I will tell you about one major reason:

My dad (and lots of other wacked out family) has this major issue with alcohol. As in theres-a-very-good-chance-it-could-distroy-my wedding-day-and/or-family-relationship-when-they-find-out-there-will-be-alcohol-at-the- rehearsal-dinner/I-drink Wacked Out. As in we-can't-have-a-civilized-conversation-about-the-subject. As in anyone-who-drinks-is-automatically-a-heathen. That is how my dad is. He has pretty much boycotted/left family gatherings and literally walked home/for all practical purposes denounced even his own children due to alcohol. So this is a very serious worry that I have. And my mom feels the need to play "middle man" and remind me at least once a week of what it will do if I decide to drink at my own rehearsal dinner. Or how upset he will be or how disappointed he will be, or "You're not actually going to drink, are you? You wouldn't really do that...?" (Even though she, herself, sees no problem/sin in drinking within certain contexts.) I get the freaking point, mom. And I've told her time and time again that I am DONE discussing it, and we're not talking about it anymore.

But tonight while boxing up items that need to make "the move" to Jackson with me next year and while discussing the set of my dad's mother's fine china dishes that I'd take with me, she "casually" stated, "You don't even need to be thinking about those dishes if you're actually going to have alcohol at your rehearsal dinner." (A rehearsal dinner, of which, my in laws are paying for, and of which they therefore have every right to a say-so in the goings-on, mind you. And they are on the "drinking side.") I freaking could not believe what I was hearing come out of my mother's mouth.

And another thing. I have this thing with people. I always seem to be shocked when each idividual incident in a string of negative events come from a person. I mean, you would think that after a few times of seeing how a person works, or how they manipulate situations, I'd begin to wise up. No. I tend to think they aren't going to do something like that again. I know my mom. I, unfortunately, live with her. I KNOW how she is.

And yet, I still managed to be surprised tonight at what she was saying to me.

So I promptly left the kitchen, where I was looking at said dishes, and I've felt physically sick ever since.

This one issue of alcohol has been constantly tied to nearly every issue of the wedding that I can think of. Andrew and I really don't have money to pay for the wedding. So apparantly my parents are going to pay for things, up to a small budget. This automatically meant no alcohol at any of the events my parents would be paying for. Ok. We got over that hurdle. So then we were going to try to come up with some cash on our own to have a smaller private 2nd reception where we could have just the people who would want to come and have a drink. No dice. I was reminded, by Mom, that she was sure dad wouldn't pay for anything once he heard we'd be having alcohol at an event tied to the wedding that they were financing. Ok. So now we're thinking about just saying Andrew and I will be at such and such bar and grill after the cake/punch reception and people can come see us if they want, and do whatever they want, with thier own money. I'm hoping this flies. But I'm not holding my breath.

Does anyone even remotely begin to understand why I'm a little less than enthusiastic about trying to plan things? Oh yes. Could it be because everytime we have a tentative plan in place, its ripped to shreds? If it involves alchol in any shape or form, paid for by anyone, during any event tied to the wedding... And because taking alcohol out completely isn't an option...(Are you picking up what I'm laying down? I hope so.)

Please. As soon as someone figures out a way to please everyone involved, let me know. Really.

I just want to get married. Thats all. God has placed the perfect-for-me Groom in my life. For that, I am so thankful. That is the simple part.

I need a small miracle. I need prayers. I need peace.