Ok...so...due to some prodding...I’m updating this thing... I'll try to summarize...because you know me when I get to rambling. (and I’m supposed to give a shoutout to Dan…because he “like(s) to see (his) name in print”…lol…goofball

Church was awesome today...learning about the roles and qualifications for elders in the Church...yay...good times...it’s really interesting. Picked up Johnny P's Desiring God (I had started it at tom and Marie’s)...which means I am now in the midst of THREE J.P books...I need to knuckle down and finish one.

Um...So...Kendon works at Toto's coffee...and so sometimes I'll go up there and visit him...and so last Monday night we were there by ourselves and we were having a good heart to heart about a lot of things...and he told me this story about this man in a wheelchair who came into Mildred's coffee (which he also works in) and he is a believer...and he basically has no one...no family....nothing...no caretakers...and he got in a car accident years ago....and was not a believer...and his wife and him divorced after that...and it changed his whole life....and hes so grateful to God for it all and so humble about his life now....and something struck in me...and I began to tear up (and generally, I’m not a crier...)...and I think some stuff has been turning in me through Bible study lately...we're studying the gospel and breaking it down ...and getting it into our heads and hearts so to be prepared with sharing it with others to the best of our ability....and so.... I can't really explain it...but...I've been realizing how much God has entrusted me with, as a believer...to share what I hold dear to me...and to spend my time wisely sharing Truth to anyone and everyone....and to show His love (which I really want to do...because I love to love people...and I like to "fix" things for people...and I just want to make everything all right...which I know isn't fully possible...but I want to touch people's lives in a positive way)….long of the short of it is….so I said to Kendon, “you know…I have been wanting to get involved in some type of Inner City outreach or something…I have been thinking about the City union mission or something…would you want to do something like that with me?” and he was like "funny you said that cause there is something called Freedom Fire that I am going to Fri. night"….so I went with him on Friday night..... And his friend, amber, who we went with's dad founded it….. And it is LITERALLY in the middle of the projects….. And its all black kids or some Asian (I forget where there is some civil war going on)…. and...I walk in to this gym where they have activities at first (before a little lesson/speaker, and then to get fed)...and like...three little girls just ran up to me and clung to my legs….and I just bend down and sweep them all up in my arms…..and then a few mins after that I just sat down...and watched what was going on in the gym...and just cried….. I was like...I am such a jerk...I have everything I need and more...and these kids don't have ANYONE that loves them, really...their parents are probably as unsettled as they are....they don't get love like they need...their families probably don't know Jesus...they want attention and need someone to just be with them so badly...and I am a jerk...I take everything for granted....and I’m like...if I could just touch one of these kid's lives and they could see God's love through me...this would all be worth it...so....yeah….. I got to play with the kids...and they just love you, you know?..... and then we went into a room where amber's dad spoke...and this 3 yr old, Angel, who Elizabeth had been carrying, reached out for me, and wanted to ride piggy back on me...so I carried her in...and then another little girl...Takia (who painted my nails and is 4) ...was so stuck to me...I literally could not get into Indian style and sit down on the floor before she was literally sitting on my still-standing-up legs...and the other little girl...I can't remember her name, but kendon would know...who is five...also sat right next to me and leaned up against me and snuggled into me and pulled my arm over her ...she just wanted to be held...so I cuddled her right back….and it was sweltering in that room…but I wouldn’t let go of those little girls for anything…and they wouldn’t let go of me….and the little girl’s are playing with my hair and wiping their dirty faces on me….and for a brief moment you realize that its incredibly unsanitary…and that you could be getting lice or God knows what else…but you don’t really care….you just want to take these kids home and love on them and help them see Jesus…..and then after the speaker....food was brought out…..and it was like....they had never seen food before...mass chaos...and so...once everyone had food...I was helping amber with these three 3 or 4 yr olds who she said we needed to watch, especially, because they don't get many meals...and I’m trying to get these little ones to eat...and they're not wanting to...and I’m like..."please...please eat"....and I’m so concerned with them...and I want them to not go hungry...and so I’m pleading with them to eat...and I start crying again.... it was out of control


Afterwards, I got to talk with some of the other volunteers and talk about the experience and …it was amazing fellowship…really, truly….

so…hopefully I will be doing that on Friday nights…(Elizabeth and I are going together this Friday night…I love her, by the way…she has a wonderful heart…I hope her and Kendon get married because they would make a wonderful team for the Lord, I believe….I love that girl to pieces…truly)

and also…I was thinking about other opportunities…and I was talking to a few people at church…and it was mentioned about the lady who spoke last Sunday morning, early, about the Crisis Pregnancy Center….(which is centered around getting the Truth (its Calvinistic in teaching, too!) to the girls who come in)…that the woman who heads that up would love to have my service…so I should be getting a phone call soon…

I don’t know what it is, guys…but…I suddenly feel like…I have been way too selfish…and that God calls us to be servants and to reach out to others…and…I just really want to do that…I desperately want to show other’s Jesus’ love through anything He can use me to do. *shrug*…and that’s all I can say about it…but I tell you what…once you step in and messy your hands and see firsthand people who are in need….I don’t believe you can ever turn around…..

I am tired of being concerned with me (not saying I’m going to be great at laying myself down…just a thought)…its tiring to worry about a husband finding me, guys …… I don’t want to even think about it anymore…its just depressing and makes me agitated and makes me want to go drive myself into the next bridge embankment because I feel so, utterly helpless….and while I’m talking about this….ladies…do you ever feel like all you can do is just be….and hope that someone you could want to be with happens to notice you for some reason???....yeah…cause I do…. …its tiring to worry about when the next time is that I’ll be getting my hair dyed….its tiring to worry about when I’m going to get to go home and rest…its tiring to worry about staying inside my comfort zone…its tiring to worry about if I’m going to say the right things….because it isn’t about me, anyway…its about God and whatever He wants to lead me to do….so…I pray that He will show me how to take up my cross and follow Him, more….I’ve cried so much over this stuff….and …like I said…generally, I’m not much of a crier…but lately…I really have been deeply moved by these things.


and…on a non-related note…I want to leave you with the lyrics to this amazing song by Eastmountainsouth….which is a freaking awesome band…if you don’t know of them, their music is of the Americana genre…and you will love it….so…go to www.eastmountainsouth.com and be amazed….ne who…so Kate, a fellow Eastmountainsouth fan (who actually introduced me to them and bought me the cd), and I were talking tonight…and this is our conversation about this song…which shall be the preface to the lyrics of this …incredibly raw, truthful, vulnerable song….I have always loved this song…but tonight…it just….did something to me…


AngelDena: um...I’d just like to say.."on your way" makes me want to cry...
AngelDena: in a..."this-is-so-sad-but-its-so-...freeing" sort of way
ylkatiejo: um...YES. definitely my favorite on the cd.
AngelDena: oh yes...I love it
ylkatiejo: it is good times.
AngelDena: and now...I’m crying
AngelDena: hehe...yay
AngelDena: stinkin good song
ylkatiejo: aww...I don't want you to cry
AngelDena: hehe it’s ok

On Your Way

I hope he never hurts you like I know I hurt you
but I was undecided and it was all that I could do
but if he says he loves you like I know I loved you
then there's a way to trust him, and I’ll get over you

so let his heart surround you, and let his arms protect you
and hold you every morning the way that I could never do
another life has blessed you, he wants the same as you do
so I must find the courage to send you on your way

all the nights reflecting in our chance connecting
help me find the meaning in the life I had with you
I wish I'd heard when you said that your heart could not wait
but it was my decision to send you on your way....

I hope he loves you like I loved you, I hope he knows you like I do
'cause if he loves you like I love you, then I can send you on your way...